I just wanna be.

Crazy magickal.

Would you live in one of these amazing off-grid self-sustainable homes? Earthships are the future of human living. — June 17, 2018

Would you live in one of these amazing off-grid self-sustainable homes? Earthships are the future of human living.

Have you discovered EARTHSHIP LIVING yet???

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How Bipolar and PTSD have affected me as a work-my-ass-off-at-home Mom.  — June 9, 2018

How Bipolar and PTSD have affected me as a work-my-ass-off-at-home Mom. 

Bipolar.

I don’t know who i am. Or what to expect each day.
I sometimes feel on top of the world like every possibility is open to me. Like i can fix my life all in one day and start over new. I love those days.
Feeling energized by some magickal force unknown to me that pulses through my veins. It may last a half of a day. Or a couple weeks. But it never lasts for long.

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I will have cleaned the entire house. Cooked amazing meals. Played game after game with my daughter. Made new memories with my husband that will make me smile for years to come. Have fulfilling conversations with friends.
And nothing could feel wrong. Or at least like its all happening for a reason. Even the negative things.
I bursted through the fog and into the light. But something happens to shove me back down into the depression.

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I feel cheated. Stolen from. Abandoned by love. Detached from life. This is how i remain most of my days. I feel like a shell of something that was once alive. My limbs move slowly. I’m walking through quicksand.

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The dishes don’t get cleaned for days. I sometimes will reuse a plate with old food stuck to it just to avoid washing it. The sound of dishes clanking around the sink hurts my head.
I eat one meal a day then have little snacks. Just so i don’t faint. Chewing is a chore. I wish i never had to eat.
Everything is so incredibly painful. I should smile more. I’m depressing to others. I’m bringing down their joy.
God i hate this. Why can’t i find happiness in anything?

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I try to write in my journal. The one i bought and had high hopes for. That it would bring me clarity. Something i could look back on and see how far I’ve progressed. But there’s no time for that these days. And when there actually is i hate my handwriting. My hand feels dead. Like i cant get it to transfer my thoughts quick enough. I lose patience within the first page. I hate what i write most of the time anyways.
Who the hell am i? I ask after reading what i wrote. This doesn’t sound like me. Who is this thinking these thoughts?
I fail at just about everything.
Try being vegan. Try quitting cigarettes. Try getting a job outside the house. Try worrying less. Try playing the piano more. Try doing more art. Being a minimalist. Being more fun. Do yoga daily.
Just getting through simple daily tasks takes so much of my energy and focus. That it leaves nothing much for leisure.
And i don’t even do the basics sometimes!! I know i can do better. But this is about two weeks in a row (or more but my memory is horrible) that I’ve had intense anxiety. Just eating at me. And i feel overwhelmed as soon as i wake up.

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I was supposed to start training for a job yesterday and i didn’t go because i was having an emotional breakdown. On the floor in the bathroom crying. Had not ate for a long time. Could barely stand up. Thinking simultaneously, i should not even try to work outside the home AND like i should have at least attempted to go to training. It was impossible to make any big decisions yesterday. I felt stuck inside the darkest fog. Today once again i missed training. The guilt is laying on me thick. That’s for sure.

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Living with PTSD.

The guilt always turns to extreme rage. The ones i once called mom. Dad. Grandpa. Grandma. Brother.  And ex-partners.
They stole me from myself. It wasn’t bearable for them to let me be myself. Let me be different than the “pack” that they sold their souls to be a part of. Because they hated who they were. And detached.
Created an alter ego.

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And everything they did after that was to feed the demonic ego. It was either feed it or feel intense loneliness. Fear. Confusion. So they all silently agreed that i would take the fall for their sins. Every day. They decided i would always be wrong. Every day. They all played a role in almost killing me. More ways than i knew at first. Starvation. Locked outside in record-breaking heat while pregnant. Contaminated water. Toxic food. Carbon monoxide in the house. Black mold. High speed cop chase. Driving me around while drunk. Threatening to kill me. Being held down and punched repeatedly in the ribs. Computer thrown at my head. Told to go cut my wrists.
Yet, i would forgive them on the basis of: they weren’t taught the right way. Or. They’re suffering just as much as me or more. They’re really doing this as a cry for help. So i stayed around longer than i should have.
Wasnt allowed to get a job when i lived with my dads side of the family. Nope. Women weren’t allowed to.
Couldn’t get my license. Just like my grandma never did.
It made sure i would have a hell of a time being independent someday.
With my mom i was made to feel like a complete bum for not working. Not having a license. Not graduating.

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So she had me working for her. Without any pay. As an adult raising a young boy.
She always had her mother to fall back on for money. So she spent the money i helped her make on beer and weed.
Then when bills remained unpaid she yelled at me about how screwed we are. And that god hates us. We are cursed. It will never get better for us.
If she stayed drunk and high she was the nicest person. Just very ditzy.
I was never into drinking and i was health focused. This made my toxic family members see me as a stuck up snob.
“She thinks she’s better than us.”
They seemed to think. But i was just trying to be my own doctor my own therapist. And heal myself from all the damage they had done.
Now i am no contact with all of them. And they still hurt me daily. I can see it in the way i am over-vigilant about guarding myself. I don’t trust anyone. Not even me.

(This is something I wrote during a MAJOR depressive episode. I am currently feeling balanced. This is just to let other bipolar/PTSD-sufferers know they aren’t alone!)

 

The interweb trollz are everywhere, man. — May 25, 2018

The interweb trollz are everywhere, man.

I can’t believe how many rude, condescending comments I got today in a Facebook support group for mental illness! It was also a spiritual group– I thought “Ohh, bonus.”

Pshh, so much critical judgement of me based on one post. As if that makes anyone an expert on my life!

All I asked was if anyone else were going through something similar, regarding co-parenting with a narcissistic energy vampire type (who is alienating me from our son).

Most people were on his side. Which seemed to be ridiculous since this is really not about my ex or I. It’s about our 11 year old son!

A tiny handful of people were compassionate, the majority were on the same emotional level as my ex!

So my question is: Why did they bother to send me such long, harsh feedback? What kind of kick did they get out of doing that?
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Sabali Sabali — May 24, 2018
Parental Alienation Feels like Getting Hit by a Bus Daily. — May 16, 2018

Parental Alienation Feels like Getting Hit by a Bus Daily.

This is something I wrote to my 11-year-old son on his Facebook wall. Where his other family members on his dad’s side could see I was trying to get ahold of them for over a month! This was a violation of my rights as a joint custodial parent.

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Stevie-wevie it’s so hard to get ahold of you! 😦 Your dad’s phone can’t receive my calls or texts, for about a month now — Idk if I have the right # for nyssa, and left a message on the house phone yesterday.

I miss our amazing talks, and most of all– being with you. It seems like there’s always something in the way. I wish I knew why… because this entirely sucks, badly. But we’ll get through this.

That leads me to this: I’m going to step it up to the next level….well, I already am doing that. You’re my motivation– as well as Bryce and Athena. I’ve been working harder than ever to bring positive changes to our lives. Overcoming TONS of challenges that I didn’t think I was capable of! Bryce has too. Everything seems so much better since we moved here.

We both miss you more than you know. Things can’t go on like this between us, being so distant. It just can’t, son.

Sorry if it’s weird that I’m writing you here. Sometimes it’s hard to find the right words, and when something becomes clear I like to write it down. Plus, I have no need to hide anything. Never be afraid to be you, and feel what you feel. That’s what makes us strong. So these are my heart’s thoughts to you. Me expressing how I’m feeling.

P.S

I have a cool set of books and a harmonica here for you– to feed your creativity.

Love always,
Momma

Magick is real. And it’s no big deal. You’re doing it now. — May 14, 2018

Magick is real. And it’s no big deal. You’re doing it now.

I’m only pouring my soul out tonight– you know, nothing special.

Relax your face and your body. Breathe deeply. Exhale fully.

:::What do you want/deserve?

:::Does your lifestyle reflect that?

:::How many people constantly pop up in your mind accompanied by a feeling of how **badly they disappointed you** and it takes you awhile to regather your emotions?

If this is happening, you have toxic attachments lingering to these people. At one point you were okay with it. Now, maybe not so much.

MAGICK.

What is it?
Made-up fantasies to help kids fall asleep, or something as integral to you as your breath? Do you constantly think about breathing in order to do it, even while you sleep?

We use magick in our own ways, every single day.

C’mon, you know you have your weird OCD daily rituals that give you a certain effect that you desire. That’s magick. It’s totally normal — No Big Deal — apart of our Inner self all the time. Becoming aware of this is….life-changing, tbh.

Why am I talking about this, anyway?

Because I’ve been at both sides of the spectrums of heaven and hell. And my life purpose is to grow from the pain, and be a messenger of healing to others. Nothing fancy– it’s just me being me.

Life is the silence and essence between everything that has been brought into a denser physical matrix or….reality: Physical/3D consciousness.

But, keeping your etheric self in the 3D realm of pure survival mode, war, suffering, and duality has it’s downsides.

The 4th dimension is the astral/dream realm. Again, it’s a place filled with love and suffering — duality — but with more freedom to manifest anything without the burden of time restraint. You think it, and it’s there instantly. Time doesn’t exist beyond the physical.

The 5th dimension and beyond is pretty spectacular to visit. Pure energy. Pure Bliss. Unconditional Love for yourself and everyone in Creation– even the assholes who screwed you over. They are much worse off than you for never knowing this sense of joy and epic freedom to be who you are. That’s exactly why they attack others.

Hurt people hurt people. They are trapped in 3D and 4D ways of thinking. In survival mode. Overruled by fear. Easily programmed by TV, magazines, and a “this is just how it’s always been” kind-of-attitude.

Toxic people are known for their amazing ability to totally freeze their self growth. To heal, you have to FEEL. They’re overwhelmed easily by truth and run from responsibility.

They just stand there in the same spot, complaining about how nothing ever changes, their life sucks. All while they continue casting out their fishing pole of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) to anyone who will bite. The only way they can feed their Parasitic Ego or Lower Mind.

Remember, most of us weren’t taught that it’s okay to swim through the oceans of misery, to the root of our suffering, and that you would always re-emerge unharmed. Free from suffering.

Feeling the pain, healing the Inner Wounded Child is a powerful transformational tool that aids every part of your life.

Why isn’t everyone doing it, then, if it’s so essential to reach our highest potential?

Change can seem worse than the crap they are familiar with, but baby steps are better than nothing.

I still experience DEEP depression, though. And it’s okay….ish.

I learned to give everyone around me a heads up. “I’m feeling really depressed for the last week. Don’t take it personally if I don’t smile or talk as much. I’m still enjoying your company. I just can’t show it like I want to. It’ll pass. Thanks for understanding. I need to go lay down and maybe meditate for a little bit.”

This also keeps Your Own Issues from spreading to everyone around you like poison. They now know to be more sensitive, and see if you prefer some space or extra affection. And, they will respect your ability to openly talk about Depression. Maybe even letting them know that when they experience deep-restion, it too will pass.

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This is a freezing spell.

If someone is (((working against you in a personal or legal matter))) and you know their name, you can try a freezing spell.

Write their name on a piece of parchment paper using a freshly sharpened pencil. Try to make the point of the pencil extremely sharp/pointy.

Fold the paper in half, until it is too small to fold anymore.

While you are folding instill your desires to make them stop lying, mocking or turning others against you. In short you are trying to freeze their actions. (Hence the spell name ).

Then pour vodka or denatured alcohol on the paper. I would advise doing this over the sink. Then put it far back in the corner of your freezer.

Leave it there for 28-30 days. Some believe this should be started during a waning moon.

This should stop the slander. Thus it has frozen them out.

Feel free to add any chants, candle magick etc. to infuse this spell with your intentions. Remember all magickal work HAS to be instilled with your intent. Adjust things as you feel comfortable.

https://tabithasbewitched-wordpress-com.cdn.ampproject.org/c/s/tabithasbewitched.wordpress.com/2010/08/01/a-spell-to-stop-slander-or-anyone-who-is-trying-to-negatively-influence-others-against-you/amp/

Field of Change: Growing up in a Dysfunctional Family and Targeted with Hate — May 7, 2018

Field of Change: Growing up in a Dysfunctional Family and Targeted with Hate

I had a “spiritual awakening” when I was 7 years old. I became obsessed with astrology. Decoding my hidden nature. Studying peoples’ reactions. Anything shrowded in mystery.

The trees!!! I spent so much time outside with the trees. They were living things to me. Made me feel like I belonged somewhere. Safe. Calm.

Keeping a diary from that age,onward, I set out to record my observations as a weird little earthling in a big strange world.

People freaked me out. I didn’t understand them.

Why is there so much violence among them? Was there ever a time when it wasn’t like this? Why are adults so worried about money? When did they lose their self to all this worrying? I’m NEVER going to be like them! I’m going to be me until I die. An old lady outside hanging out with the trees. Observing all these crazy, worried people.

Something happened, though. Little by little. I lost myself in all the noise and flashy lights.

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My mom was an alcoholic with undiagnosed mental illness. She really didn’t want an introverted, socially awkward child. I showed up anyways. This, at least, gave her someone who she could let her anger out on.

Funny,  what mother’s day commercials mean to you when you never had a loving, affectionate mother a day in your life.

Well, I was sent to live with my dad and his parents (because The Queen couldn’t be bothered with me any longer). That was fun, at first.

A lot of fun, actually. I overdosed on fun for weeks. Maybe even a few years.

I’m wanted? Really, really wanted? They’re so happy around me. Wow. I make them happy. I love making people happy. It’s comforting. I don’t like when people are mad. They’re scary when they’re mad. Especially at me.

But, it didn’t last once I hit puberty. Something about those raging hormones, and the scent of womanhood emerging just sent them into full on attack mode. I was back to being a problem. Arguements every day. So, I learned to sleep as much as I could in the day when they were awake.

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Became addicted to sleeping pills. More like I-can-only-be-myself-when-they’re-dreaming pills. I am not saying this was a good idea. Probably have permanent damage from it. But, it’s what happened.

Who am I? Why am I here? 

I asked every day. In my notebooks that sheltered my most private thoughts. Writing. I became obsessed with writing. Splashing the lifeless remains of tree fragments with my agony.

I should have never been born. This must be a vile experiment. God is up there watching me suffer, laughing to himself. Human sacrifice. That’s all I’m meant to be.

15 years old and nearly dead. Right there on the edge of nothingness, dangling by a thread.  Counting scars on my wrists.

I’m not worthy of love. That’s why they don’t care if I feel this way or not. My life is meaningless.

Fast forward to the present moment. 29 and still alive. In therapy. I have a husband and two kids. They’re stunningly beautiful souls.

I still have deep, intense depression seething inside me. But, I live because I choose to live. I want you to know, it gets better. So much better.

Stop listening to them. Those hate-filled vessels of humans. They’re broken beyond repair. You’re not like them. You’re healing through the pain. You choose to embrace it. This makes you a peaceful warrior.

You deserve to be filled with love. It doesn’t always feel possible…. But I assure you, there’s nothing you even have to DO. Just BE. Be the candle in a sea of darkness. It gets easier the more you accept yourself as this strangely awesome particle of existence.

Narcissists are the definition of zombies. The spiritually dead. Don’t let their lack of love and warmth spread ice throughout your soul. Crank up the inner bad ass, and walk away in silence.

You Have Nothing To Prove.

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Every day feels like the ending of something. — May 6, 2018

Every day feels like the ending of something.

About two weeks ago I was diagnosed with bipolar type 1, depression and PTSD. I wasn’t surprised. It was good to have the confirmation– all the more easier to apply for supplemental security income. I’ve never been able to hold down a steady job.

Not because I’m lazy. Ask just about anyone, I’m a hard fcking worker and I have many hobbies that I’ve used to make money with, here and there. Just nothing solid. When it comes to bipolar, my energy levels and motivation swings from a high to a low. I feel I’m on a see-saw with hardly any control. With PTSD,  I have to be in a sheltered, stable environment most of the time– otherwise I can’t function.

One thing remains the same, I always wish I could do something….anything…to support my family. My husband has his own set of disabilities and is struggling to do it all, financially. He’s the most determined person I’ve known. He has to be, to do all that he does for us.

It makes me wonder why I can’t go out into the job market and sell myself too, for a paycheck. Then, I realize…I am working! I stay home 24/7 with our toddler. And there’s no housemaid that shows up a few times a week. It’s never spotless-clean. But, it’s sanitary and safe. I wake up 2-6 times a night to breastfeed or just check to see if she’s too hot or cold.

I’m not a deadbeat parent. I have mental illnesses. But, I am still primarily a gentle, supportive, unconditionally-loving mother and wife. You can be sick and still have love/give love. Don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t good enough or doing enough.

Warning: Rant.~ — January 27, 2018

Warning: Rant.~

If you weren’t the scapegoat in an Apocalyptic cult you just won’t understand… You’ll see my ups and downs, intense emotions as a cry for attention and nothing else. The fuck she so depressed about– yesterday she was posting about how great things are. Yeah, sometimes life is going smoothly but that can change at the slightest reminder of my past. Haunting me. Sucking the life outta me, one memory at a time. I wanna escape my mind so I can have some damn peace. But I can’t. My short term memory loss needs to extend further back. Some memories are fizzling out while others come hurling themselves at the windows like a bullet, shouting “Remember this! Don’t ever forget how it felt.” I fight myself from saying things to the ones I love, knowing it will hurt them. But feeling so sure that I mean nothing to them anyways.

Something next to me just fell down by itself.

I hate who I’m becoming.
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(Even though I want to delete this, so as not to spread “negativity” to others, I think it’s necessary to reveal my Inner Critic. We all have one. It’s okay to feel like complete shit. Feeling is the key to growth…

Tired pagan mommy life. — January 26, 2018

Tired pagan mommy life.

Don’t throw that. What did you just put in your mouth? Get that out! Are you hungry? Here you go. Don’t smack the spoon. Mmmm, good. Clean up time. Mommy has to pee.

*door closes, crying ensues*

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I’m sorry. Be out in a minute. What are you chewing on? Don’t eat your books. I’m gonna give this baby a kiss. Oww, let go of my hair. LET. GOOO.

*sucking her thumb, rubbing her eyes.*

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Okay let’s take a nap…

Finally I can do WHATEVER I WANT for the next 1-2 hours!!! The world is MINE!
so many options… painting, drawing, journaling, play online poker, organize my magick supplies, do my makeup and hair….

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*1 hour later*

Okay okay, I GOT IT. I’ll…
“MAMAMAMA!!”

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*sigh*

 

the aftermath. — December 28, 2017

the aftermath.

If you have one parent who loves you…count yourself lucky… if you have one grandparent who loves you…count yourself blessed beyond words.. if you have one sibling that is there for you…you don’t know how good you got it.

i wish i could say i had ANY of those in my life. But don’t feel sorry for me, I have an uplifting caring husband and two fireball kids that light up my life.
Family really means the world to me, and I do feel cheated even cursed at times….for the emptiness left in my heart since I cut ties with all the toxic family members…leaving just 5 left. Today is a painful day. I’m doing some writing…i hope it can help until i start seeing a therapist next week. prayers please. this isn’t easy for me

Co-parenting with a self-proclaimed energy vampyre 101 — December 19, 2017

Co-parenting with a self-proclaimed energy vampyre 101

Do be direct with them, but be the civil one.
They are experts at getting you to be emotional, as their methods for triggering such a reaction is by using your kid(s) against you… SUCH AS NOT LETTING THEM CALL YOU FOR MONTHS. Saying life is just “too hectic”. And of course, being the parent who doesn’t presently live with your child at yhe time, this is highly upsetting. But you keep your cool, through all the “Yeah I’ll have him call you later” over and over and over… and the one time you get so very clear and direct that there’s no acceptable reason, the energy vampyre parent FLIPS HIS SHIT stating you are making his life more crazy than it already is. Oh yeah, because hearing from your kid, who you live far away from is such a BIG demand… how dare you be so self entitled, right?
Fucking narcissistic shit. Using a mother’s love to provoke reactions, to feed the parasitic ego.

Moral of the story: Im highly motivated to get a bigger home in 2018 so I can talk to my son every single day. Thats the ONLY reason Ive had to be away from him. I’m not like the Vampyre Parent who has a big, helpful family to give him a job, car, and a home rent free. My husband and I have barely anyone in our lives besides eachother. I value the few people I call family. Don’t anyone come between that or Karma will be on that ass!!