Becoming everything I hate

If you weren’t the scapegoatĀ in an Apocalyptic cult you just won’t understand… You’ll see my ups and downs, intense emotions as a cry for attention and nothing else. The fuck she so depressed about– yesterday she was posting about how great things are. Yeah, sometimes life is going smoothly but that can change at the slightest reminder of my past. Haunting me. Sucking the life outta me, one memory at a time. I wanna escape my mind so I can have some damn peace. But I can’t. My short term memory loss needs to extend further back. Some memories are fizzling out while others come hurling themselves at the windows like a bullet, shouting “Remember this! Don’t ever forget how it felt.” I fight myself from saying things to the ones I love, knowing it will hurt them. But feeling so sure that I mean nothing to them anyways.

Something next to me just fell down by itself.

I hate who I’m becoming.

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Tired pagan mommy life.

Don’t throw that. What did you just put in your mouth? Get that out! Are you hungry? Here you go. Don’t smack the spoon. Mmmm, good. Clean up time. Mommy has to pee.

*door closes, crying ensues*

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I’m sorry. Be out in a minute. What are you chewing on? Don’t eat your books. I’m gonna give this baby a kiss. Oww, let go of my hair. LET. GOOO.

*sucking her thumb, rubbing her eyes.*

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Okay let’s take a nap…

Finally I can do WHATEVER I WANT for the next 1-2 hours!!! The world is MINE!
so many options… painting, drawing, journaling, play online poker, organize my magick supplies, do my makeup and hair….

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*1 hour later*

Okay okay, I GOT IT. I’ll…
“MAMAMAMA!!”

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*sigh*

 

the aftermath.

If you have one parent who loves you…count yourself lucky… if you have one grandparent who loves you…count yourself blessed beyond words.. if you have one sibling that is there for you…you don’t know how good you got it.

i wish i could say i had ANY of those in my life. But don’t feel sorry for me, I have an uplifting caring husband and two fireball kids that light up my life.
Family really means the world to me, and I do feel cheated even cursed at times….for the emptiness left in my heart since I cut ties with all the toxic family members…leaving just 5 left. Today is a painful day. I’m doing some writing…i hope it can help until i start seeing a therapist next week. prayers please. this isn’t easy for me

Co-parenting with a self-proclaimed energy vampyre 101

Do be direct with them, but be the civil one.
They are experts at getting you to be emotional, as their methods for triggering such a reaction is by using your kid(s) against you… SUCH AS NOT LETTING THEM CALL YOU FOR MONTHS. Saying life is just “too hectic”. And of course, being the parent who doesn’t presently live with your child at yhe time, this is highly upsetting. But you keep your cool, through all the “Yeah I’ll have him call you later” over and over and over… and the one time you get so very clear and direct that there’s no acceptable reason, the energy vampyre parent FLIPS HIS SHIT stating you are making his life more crazy than it already is. Oh yeah, because hearing from your kid, who you live far away from is such a BIG demand… how dare you be so self entitled, right?
Fucking narcissistic shit. Using a mother’s love to provoke reactions, to feed the parasitic ego.

Moral of the story: Im highly motivated to get a bigger home in 2018 so I can talk to my son every single day. Thats the ONLY reason Ive had to be away from him. I’m not like the Vampyre Parent who has a big, helpful family to give him a job, car, and a home rent free. My husband and I have barely anyone in our lives besides eachother. I value the few people I call family. Don’t anyone come between that or Karma will be on that ass!!

How to know if you’re a natural witch.

Are you able to sense the living essence in all creatures, rocks, rivers, and natural bodies? Do you feel like there’s a fire in your heart aching to be fueled with something magickal yet totally natural? You might be a little witchy. Dont be afraid to dive into some research about this. Many people descendent of Native Americans and similar tribal people feel the calling in these modern times. And it can be scary to be real with what youre feeling. Myself, my great grandma was a shaman medicine woman on a Cherokee tribe, and I feel like she is guiding me to practice my magickal craft. Ive believed I was a witch since I was about 7 years old and would do things that no other kids I knew felt drawn towards, like making pretend potions with rain water, stones, and leaves. I talked to the trees telepathically and generally felt more at home in nature. But because people are so scared of anything outside the norm, i slowly concealed that magickal part of myself. Well its coming back out, and Im not going to flee from the calling. Magick is in my bones. I am a creator!

Breaking the cycle of parental abuse.

I did something big this year. Something I had been dreaming of since I was a kid. my first poetry ebook was self published. That took a lot for me to put out into the world as the poems I write are often dug up from the parts of me that were utterly shattered. By writing, seeing it on paper or document, and observing it from a “higher perspective” I can come to a new understanding.
I’m working on book two right now, and I’m letting it basically birth itself in whatever form it wants to… through poetry, story telling, letters I’ll never send.
This is coming from my inner child who holds the key to my creativity and emotional world… What does she want to say? I have to continue asking myself.
Right now I’m writing a goodbye letter to my Mom who had come back into my life briefly a couple months ago– caused the typical all out drama…and this time, since I was keen to the cycle of abuse, she couldn’t crush me the way she used to. So, she won over my sister and turned her against me. Which I never thought was possible, as our bond had seemingly grown so strong… but I now realize that it was likely an act, as she is following directly in my mother’s footsteps, personality-wise.
Anyways, I know a lot of you will never know what it’s like to have a mother who wants to destroy every aspect of your wellbeing, and will probably see me as someone who is leaving a lot of important info out….such as, what I did to make her hate me….?
Well… I wasn’t her exact replica, a copy of all the things she likes about her alter ego that she fabricated. That’s what I did wrong. My brother and sister on the other hand, molded themselves to her liking. They lost themselves, and I didn’t. I nearly died trying to keep me alive — the me who I know I am at the core. I feel so sorry for my siblings who weren’t so lucky. And I send love to them.
But I had to let them go, and her. I’m grateful beyond mortal words for the bond I have with my kids, knowing I have broken the cycle.