Psycho Magnet Angel

Why have I attracted so many crazy ass people in my life???
What am I supposed to learn from this… there’s crazy ass people in the world? What else…? What am I supposed to do with this knowledge?

Advertisements
Standard

Breaking the cycle of parental abuse.

I did something big this year. Something I had been dreaming of since I was a kid. my first poetry ebook was self published. That took a lot for me to put out into the world as the poems I write are often dug up from the parts of me that were utterly shattered. By writing, seeing it on paper or document, and observing it from a “higher perspective” I can come to a new understanding.
I’m working on book two right now, and I’m letting it basically birth itself in whatever form it wants to… through poetry, story telling, letters I’ll never send.
This is coming from my inner child who holds the key to my creativity and emotional world… What does she want to say? I have to continue asking myself.
Right now I’m writing a goodbye letter to my Mom who had come back into my life briefly a couple months ago– caused the typical all out drama…and this time, since I was keen to the cycle of abuse, she couldn’t crush me the way she used to. So, she won over my sister and turned her against me. Which I never thought was possible, as our bond had seemingly grown so strong… but I now realize that it was likely an act, as she is following directly in my mother’s footsteps, personality-wise.
Anyways, I know a lot of you will never know what it’s like to have a mother who wants to destroy every aspect of your wellbeing, and will probably see me as someone who is leaving a lot of important info out….such as, what I did to make her hate me….?
Well… I wasn’t her exact replica, a copy of all the things she likes about her alter ego that she fabricated. That’s what I did wrong. My brother and sister on the other hand, molded themselves to her liking. They lost themselves, and I didn’t. I nearly died trying to keep me alive — the me who I know I am at the core. I feel so sorry for my siblings who weren’t so lucky. And I send love to them.
But I had to let them go, and her. I’m grateful beyond mortal words for the bond I have with my kids, knowing I have broken the cycle.

Standard

“Teach Me The Way” by THE GROUCH & ELIGH

Lyrics:

[Eligh:]
How do I take that route?
I put my knees at the base of the couch
I ask for God to take account
Then everything else just falls in place
That’s not the case I got to work
Put it in, willingness is the key to freedom
Principalities surge when I’m not operating on urge
Put that ego in check, then take a sec to recollect on _
Not able to meditate quite yet
But sent to set it straight since birth now
Naturally when I’m born with the thought
That we’re better than the next man
Getting caught in a savage land
Then taught to fish for the big dream in a sick stream

Teach me the way
To be humble, and good
To be quiet, when I should
To be great (great… great)

[The Grouch:]
Don’t think a man can learn everything on his own
Or a woman for that matter
Yea even though we’re grown, least we think so
Lookin at yous lookin at me
And the space in between contains so many frequencies that
We gotta connect outta respect please
It ain’t to one person
Humble on your knees
Search but don’t worship
Hes just a messenger here to show you the way
Go on and teach him a lesson too

Teach me the way
To be humble, and good
To be quiet, when I should
To be great (great… great)

[Eligh:]
I wish I could just run out the front door
And not a give thought on how I look
It’s not the case in the city I dwell
L.a. l.a. it’s sellin yourself
Showin the wealth you got in the bank
Not the inside job but the outside tank
How could I thank my mom
For the way she tried to keep my fears away
She cried when I spent years astray (jail bird…)
My own ego it told me I was alright
And an all night binge was only justice
For the pain that I been sufferin
Now I know that every thought I have is filtered through my demons
Redirect towards sumthin I could believe in

[Hook]

[The Grouch:]
What’s spiritual? man I’m spiritual
Who’s really talkin and who’s hearin who now?
Were walkin on sacred grounds
All knowing God He ain’t breaking us down
Because He’s seen it before and knows I mean to be pure
He sent me what’s empty to tempt me and sure
I fell for it first then you showed me the way
My teacher my guru fellow yogi my homie

[Hook]

[The Grouch:]
Throw it into the fire and bend it
Now mold it like clay, send it on it’s way
You’re sure to feel the energy within it
Don’t dwell on the blemish this work is yet finished

[Eligh:]
Everybody out there place your hands in the air
If you’re scared then pray everyday for your _ doin way just
Try to do the next right thing on your way
To the truth in your life
Heres some proof on this mic right

[Hook]

Standard

Lovebombing fail.

WOAH. WOAH. WOAH.  Right now you’re giving me the “You owe me your time and energy” vibe. And I’m just here laughing out loud in my head thinking how beyond this I am. No, I don’t owe you anything. You may think I do, and that’s fine. You’re allowed to be wrong. And you’re so good at it, so why change that up for me?

 

Standard

OCD is my super power?

Basically, my problem is that I notice everything. Body language. Shifty eyes. Ticking clocks. Buzzing flies. Food additives. My uneven skin tone.  The tone of your voice. The way you raised your eyebrow when I said that.

Yeah, it can be really freaking overwhelming! But it has also colored my life in ways, too. It’s just that….this has always been normal to me, so it took a long time to realize how I can mold this quirk into a key to unlock new experiences. Experiences that many people just won’t ever have. Because they’re not obsessed with noticing everything.

I rarely miss a detail. Detail-oriented work is the best kind I do. Maybe even the ONLY kind.

Ask me to work a sales counter where I’m expected to stand around for hours doing hardly anything, smiling the whole time. I’m guaranteed to screw it up. On top of not wanting to blow hours of my time while also being painfully awkward and robotlike, I also suck at being inauthentic.

 

 

Standard

Branches of the Personality Disordered Family Tree

The Bully
Sees their family as possessions. They vicariously live through the children, assigning each one certain roles – and expect the children to unconsciously adopt their given roles. The Bully is a Narcissist, craving to be the center of attention. They carefully create an illusion for the others to lose their True Selves in. This illusion becomes their method of hiding their intentions, and the toxicity of the family. The Bully is known to get emotionally or physically violent if anyone dares to disagree with him/her. They always blame others or external situations for losing their temper – never accepting responsibility or owning up to their faults. Their goal is to maintain power and control, at any cost.

The Golden Child
This person will be seen by the disordered elders as the perfect representation of the family – the one they are most proud of, and brag about to others outside the home. This child probably does well in school, obeys the unspoken rules of the family, such as “Don’t question our fallible logic or destructive ways.” Even if the GC makes mistakes, like everyone does, it’s simply ignored by the disordered family – this child is pampered with everything they want, materially. The GC is allowed to get away with murder, figuratively or literally. They can physically attack the Scapegoat (coming close to killing) and have absolutely no consequences by the elders. In fact, the elders will shift the blame to the Scapegoat. The GC is expected to keep their appearance kept up, dress nicely, smile a lot in public, and don’t show a lot of creativity or self-expression. Also, they’re expected to do well financially, but not too well. If the parents didn’t go to college, the child will likely graduate high school and then never seek any other type of education. The elders want you to make them look good, not bad. It may seem that the Favorite One will turn out better than the less favorable ones, but this is the grand illusion – as these children are the most easily controlled by the disordered elders. The GC almost always ends up very disordered themselves, leading to a life of unfulfillment. They rarely discover their True Self.

The Forgotten Child
These are the people who don’t really fit into the mold of the Golden Ones or the Scapegoat – they are simply forgotten in the background. Their existence is neither hated nor celebrated by the disordered family members. They lack the needed traits to be the Golden Child, as they are usually somewhat freethinkers – which the Bully and Enabler, of course, doesn’t tolerate. So, the FC unconsciously hides the fact that they’re aware of the hypocrisy in the family. They rather be invisible than to be the enemy. They often struggle with codependency, and feel they really don’t matter in the big picture of things. They’re scared to shine or really express their creativity. The Forgotten Child has very poor communication skills, and low self esteem.

The Scapegoat
Values truth over acceptance. Expresses creativity. This child speaks up about the unfairness and imbalance within the family. They are considered a rebel, outcast, and crazy by those who are in power. The SG is abused severely – mentally, emotionally, and/or physically due to their inability to be successfully brainwashed. They may go through years wondering if there really is something terribly wrong with them. But, at the same time, they know that there is definitely more insanity in the disordered family – even if they, too, are a bit “crazy” by association. When they try to be independent from the family, their efforts are usually squashed – as most people need help, in the beginning, getting to and from work, etc. The elders will refuse help or punish the Scapegoat while giving them rides (example: using the time in the car to complain about how much of a burden the SG is to everyone.) This often holds the SG back from their true potential, until they find sources outside the family who can help them. They usually end up going No Contact with their abusers, and realize how much more peaceful life is once the primary source of toxicity is removed. Many people won’t understand why they chose to leave the family – having the impression that things weren’t as bad as the SG makes it seem.

The False Hero or Enabler 
This is someone who keeps the home functioning enough so that the toxicity doesn’t interfere with normal daily life, to the extreme. Such as: making sure the bills are paid, the garbage is taken out, laundry is done, meals are made, the kids are sent to school. This person may think they are a hero, but in actuality, they are keeping the real problems from being confronted in the family – letting reality be ignored. A real crisis, or hitting rock bottom, usually is so uncomfortable that it forces people to find a new way of thinking and being. This can lead to positive transformation, getting control over an addiction, etc. When a crisis is constantly averted, nothing gets resolved or realized. Because, there is the illusion of things going smoothly enough to continue doing what they have always done. When confronted by the Scapegoat about the imbalance and toxicity in the family, the Enabler may turn into the Bully – terrified that the family secret will be revealed. They do damage control, seeking to silence those who may speak out – usually, by making excuses for the problems in the family, as if it is all due to external situations, and pushing the idea that the problems will magically go away on their own someday – if everyone just leaves it be. Or, they may try to Infantalise the Truth Speaker/Scapegoat, so that they never become fully independent and gain some solid ground, paired with their ability to spread the truth about the family secrets.

The Infantalised Adult
They are relieved of normal adult responsibilities by one or more family members, to cover up the fact that this person was not given the proper developmental tools from youth, by the parents. They are likely to be mentally and emotionally stunted from a young age. For example: encouraged to start drinking beer during childhood, not taught to clean up after oneself, or to do their own laundry. They often are a Bully and/or an Enabler. Blinded to what their parents have done to them, they probably think there was nothing abnormal about their upbringing. Brainwashed to believe they are making smart decisions for their self, but really they are constantly being influenced by the toxic parents. Their parents may raise then to be a hard worker to use them for money.

Flying Monkeys
This role is given to those recruited by the Bully and/or Enabler, attempting to intimidate or influence others (commonly the Scapegoat) from having a clear perspective of the toxic family dynamics. The Flying Monkey(s) may be used to deliver messages to the person who chooses to go No Contact with the abusive family members. Messages meant to get the escapee to return and fulfill their role. They use accusations such as: “You’re being so heartless.” “Dad is sick and needs you, don’t you care?” “Why does everything have to revolve around you? Think of others, for a change.” these messages are intended to guilt-trip or shame the person who is simply exiting a severely abusive situation. FMs are conditioned to stay within the realms of a fantasy world manufactured by the Bully and/or Enabler.

Standard