I’m writing this letter because it’s hard to talk to you– we never bonded or had a real connection….even though we spent more than half of our lives around each other. I can’t just pick up the phone and call you. Even texting you feels awkward. So I’m writing you this letter, and I’ll probably never send it to you. But, who knows, maybe someday I will. I just need to get this out.
Basically, the very first sentence is the core reason I’m writing this.
I realize that I’ll never really know you because the ‘real you’ is gone; or lost somewhere inside yourself– and you don’t even know it. It’s called disassociation– I used to have it. It’s a coping mechanism we developed as children. But, somehow I broke free from that prison.
In no way do I think I’m better than you, smarter, or anything like that. But, it did take a lot of self-healing and self-awareness to face the truth of what had become of me, and to re-write my core beliefs about myself.
We both had a traumatic upbringing. Mom clearly has anger management issues, and she has even admitted to this before, but won’t seek therapy– I don’t think she wants to change. She probably believes she needs to be “tough like a pitbull” (as she told our little sister) just to survive… But, she’s mainly hurt those closest to her, and still acts sweet as can be towards total strangers… So, who is she protecting herself from– her children? It doesn’t make any sense to me, unless you consider the probability of her having a personality disorder; a Cluster B type such as narcissism or borderline.
As children, we viewed the world through her eyes, through her perception– and it was a very grim, morbid sight… As hard as it is, we have to break the cycle. We are parents now ourselves. Do we want history to repeat itself, when another way is possible?? I don’t… but it sure takes effort to break the mold. Isn’t it worth it though?
I’m finding out who I am, instead of who I was programmed to be– by mom, dad, our grandparents, society, everything. We adapted to what others wanted us to be so we could feel “good enough” and accepted. And, I really really want you to realize that you don’t have to keep all these walls up around your True Self anymore…. it’s safe to come out now. Please, come out now. I know deep behind the surface there’s a kind, compassionate person in there just waiting to see the light of day. I may not have ever met him, but someday I hope I will. And I wish we could have a real bond in the future… I love you, little brother.