Growing Up In One Big, Giant Personality-Disordered Family

Don’t question their obvious hypocrisy, and you’re golden. Do so, and you are the enemy.

There is no, “Oh she’s just a freethinker trying to discover who she is and what feels right to her…” as healthy, compassionate parents will say when the child becomes a teenager or young adult – who thinks differently than them.

Narcissists take every disagreement as a personal attack on their intelligence and personal power.

What it comes down to is… Can they control your mind? If not, you’re not wanted. Even more, you are shamed for daring to go outside their realm of knowledge or belief system.

I felt something missing inside my soul when I read these words… about the father who taught his children that loving one another was the family’s strength.

I wasn’t taught such a thing. Just competition; rivalry.

My family – those in which my flesh poured itself from, and found the earth – they don’t feel true love. But, only conditional attachment – evident by their actions, all of my life.

For so long, I felt utterly cheated.

Seeing those other children, with their siblings and parents who loved each other… And, even though of course, there wasn’t constant harmony between them all, there was something very strange that I couldn’t quite fathom, or put into words what it was that was missing from my family upbringing.

It was like an invisible glow that surrounded and linked them all together, as my bones stayed cold and and there was always a chilly breeze blowing on my bare soul…

Now I know what it was that I wanted, it was Unconditional Love.

But, at the same time, I had something powerfully aglow within me. I just couldn’t see or touch it. So, it often alluded me.

There was a Higher Power protecting and guiding me, all along. I felt this connection so strongly and clearly. And, in that sense, I was very lucky.

But, it hurt so much that my closest family and friends had no desire to connect with their soul, or me,  and seemed to try to squash my inner peace.

By being outcasted, I was compelled to seclude myself and really look within me for the answers. They sure weren’t going to come from the people around me – unless the question was what not to become.  I had to look within myself, and dive deep into my soul, beyond the chaos surrounding me…

So, in a way, there was a gift within a curse. Life can be funny like that.

Still, when I think back on how confused and hurt I was for 26 years (until I learned about my parents’, grandparents’, and brother’s personality disorders), I mourn the loss of my childhood and innocence. But, I love my inner child completely. This is Unconditional Love – and it was always within me, just waiting to be realized.

I AM FREE TO BE ME, AND TO HEAL.

Violet Pierson

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