It’s okay to not be okay.

With C-PTSD, I can go through a shift in my mood without much warning. It’s very subtle, but definitely uncomfortable. Right now I am in the middle of it as i write this. I want to add to my blog every couple of days, so I’m in the habit of writing a lot. And i decided to vent here and explain what I’m going through. Because, I think some of you can relate.

I just don’t feel good right now. A wave of sadness and agitation overcame me the last hour, and the only trigger i can think of is that i want a burrito from Taco Bell, but it’s the day before payday, and i am broke. I can’t afford a burrito. There is food here –
but nothing i particularly want.

Maybe the fact that I’m a month pregnant could be adding to this intense craving lol.

I also think having no money and being hungry reminds me of when i was a child – my mom would take my brother and i to get food at mcdonalds, taco bell, or burger king, she often complained harshly about how she never had a lot of money and had to spend so much on us, her kids .

She often paid for our food with coins she found under the seats in her car, or a couple dollars she got from a friend.

I felt like a huge burden.
Seeing how my need to eat every day disrupted her happiness.

Later I found out she’s very likely a sociopath so it all makes sense but these triggers haven’t magically disappeared. Even though its been over a year since we have spoken…and i hope we never do again. Not to sound harsh but you know what i mean if your childhood was like mine.

I don’t write about this to get anyone to pity me. Not at all. I only write for those who feel like they’re in a situation that not many can relate on.

My goal for this blog is to be a familiar voice to the reader, someone you feel like you’ve known your whole life…who just gets you. I don’t have many close friends, so writing and posting is one way i connect with the others on my frequency.

Writing is my therapy.

So yes I’m hungry, not starving. Maybe it’s more of an emotional void I’m trying to fill. It could be that I was already slipping into a negative mood and then one little thing just sent me into a downward spiral.

It’s odd how suddenly it hits you in moments like this because a couple hours ago i just told my husband that i haven’t felt overly emotional in the last couple days…

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