Lovebombing fail.

WOAH. WOAH. WOAH.  Right now you’re giving me the “You owe me your time and energy” vibe. And I’m just here laughing out loud in my head thinking how beyond this I am. No, I don’t owe you anything. You may think I do, and that’s fine. You’re allowed to be wrong. And you’re so good at it, so why change that up for me?



OCD is my super power?

Basically, my problem is that I notice everything. Body language. Shifty eyes. Ticking clocks. Buzzing flies. Food additives. My uneven skin tone.  The tone of your voice. The way you raised your eyebrow when I said that.

Yeah, it can be really freaking overwhelming! But it has also colored my life in ways, too. It’s just that….this has always been normal to me, so it took a long time to realize how I can mold this quirk into a key to unlock new experiences. Experiences that many people just won’t ever have. Because they’re not obsessed with noticing everything.

I rarely miss a detail. Detail-oriented work is the best kind I do. Maybe even the ONLY kind.

Ask me to work a sales counter where I’m expected to stand around for hours doing hardly anything, smiling the whole time. I’m guaranteed to screw it up. On top of not wanting to blow hours of my time while also being painfully awkward and robotlike, I also suck at being inauthentic.




Branches of the Personality Disordered Family Tree

The Bully
Sees their family as possessions. They vicariously live through the children, assigning each one certain roles – and expect the children to unconsciously adopt their given roles. The Bully is a Narcissist, craving to be the center of attention. They carefully create an illusion for the others to lose their True Selves in. This illusion becomes their method of hiding their intentions, and the toxicity of the family. The Bully is known to get emotionally or physically violent if anyone dares to disagree with him/her. They always blame others or external situations for losing their temper – never accepting responsibility or owning up to their faults. Their goal is to maintain power and control, at any cost.

The Golden Child
This person will be seen by the disordered elders as the perfect representation of the family – the one they are most proud of, and brag about to others outside the home. This child probably does well in school, obeys the unspoken rules of the family, such as “Don’t question our fallible logic or destructive ways.” Even if the GC makes mistakes, like everyone does, it’s simply ignored by the disordered family – this child is pampered with everything they want, materially. The GC is allowed to get away with murder, figuratively or literally. They can physically attack the Scapegoat (coming close to killing) and have absolutely no consequences by the elders. In fact, the elders will shift the blame to the Scapegoat. The GC is expected to keep their appearance kept up, dress nicely, smile a lot in public, and don’t show a lot of creativity or self-expression. Also, they’re expected to do well financially, but not too well. If the parents didn’t go to college, the child will likely graduate high school and then never seek any other type of education. The elders want you to make them look good, not bad. It may seem that the Favorite One will turn out better than the less favorable ones, but this is the grand illusion – as these children are the most easily controlled by the disordered elders. The GC almost always ends up very disordered themselves, leading to a life of unfulfillment. They rarely discover their True Self.

The Forgotten Child
These are the people who don’t really fit into the mold of the Golden Ones or the Scapegoat – they are simply forgotten in the background. Their existence is neither hated nor celebrated by the disordered family members. They lack the needed traits to be the Golden Child, as they are usually somewhat freethinkers – which the Bully and Enabler, of course, doesn’t tolerate. So, the FC unconsciously hides the fact that they’re aware of the hypocrisy in the family. They rather be invisible than to be the enemy. They often struggle with codependency, and feel they really don’t matter in the big picture of things. They’re scared to shine or really express their creativity. The Forgotten Child has very poor communication skills, and low self esteem.

The Scapegoat
Values truth over acceptance. Expresses creativity. This child speaks up about the unfairness and imbalance within the family. They are considered a rebel, outcast, and crazy by those who are in power. The SG is abused severely – mentally, emotionally, and/or physically due to their inability to be successfully brainwashed. They may go through years wondering if there really is something terribly wrong with them. But, at the same time, they know that there is definitely more insanity in the disordered family – even if they, too, are a bit “crazy” by association. When they try to be independent from the family, their efforts are usually squashed – as most people need help, in the beginning, getting to and from work, etc. The elders will refuse help or punish the Scapegoat while giving them rides (example: using the time in the car to complain about how much of a burden the SG is to everyone.) This often holds the SG back from their true potential, until they find sources outside the family who can help them. They usually end up going No Contact with their abusers, and realize how much more peaceful life is once the primary source of toxicity is removed. Many people won’t understand why they chose to leave the family – having the impression that things weren’t as bad as the SG makes it seem.

The False Hero or Enabler 
This is someone who keeps the home functioning enough so that the toxicity doesn’t interfere with normal daily life, to the extreme. Such as: making sure the bills are paid, the garbage is taken out, laundry is done, meals are made, the kids are sent to school. This person may think they are a hero, but in actuality, they are keeping the real problems from being confronted in the family – letting reality be ignored. A real crisis, or hitting rock bottom, usually is so uncomfortable that it forces people to find a new way of thinking and being. This can lead to positive transformation, getting control over an addiction, etc. When a crisis is constantly averted, nothing gets resolved or realized. Because, there is the illusion of things going smoothly enough to continue doing what they have always done. When confronted by the Scapegoat about the imbalance and toxicity in the family, the Enabler may turn into the Bully – terrified that the family secret will be revealed. They do damage control, seeking to silence those who may speak out – usually, by making excuses for the problems in the family, as if it is all due to external situations, and pushing the idea that the problems will magically go away on their own someday – if everyone just leaves it be. Or, they may try to Infantalise the Truth Speaker/Scapegoat, so that they never become fully independent and gain some solid ground, paired with their ability to spread the truth about the family secrets.

The Infantalised Adult
They are relieved of normal adult responsibilities by one or more family members, to cover up the fact that this person was not given the proper developmental tools from youth, by the parents. They are likely to be mentally and emotionally stunted from a young age. For example: encouraged to start drinking beer during childhood, not taught to clean up after oneself, or to do their own laundry. They often are a Bully and/or an Enabler. Blinded to what their parents have done to them, they probably think there was nothing abnormal about their upbringing. Brainwashed to believe they are making smart decisions for their self, but really they are constantly being influenced by the toxic parents. Their parents may raise then to be a hard worker to use them for money.

Flying Monkeys
This role is given to those recruited by the Bully and/or Enabler, attempting to intimidate or influence others (commonly the Scapegoat) from having a clear perspective of the toxic family dynamics. The Flying Monkey(s) may be used to deliver messages to the person who chooses to go No Contact with the abusive family members. Messages meant to get the escapee to return and fulfill their role. They use accusations such as: “You’re being so heartless.” “Dad is sick and needs you, don’t you care?” “Why does everything have to revolve around you? Think of others, for a change.” these messages are intended to guilt-trip or shame the person who is simply exiting a severely abusive situation. FMs are conditioned to stay within the realms of a fantasy world manufactured by the Bully and/or Enabler.


It’s okay to not be okay.

With C-PTSD, I can go through a shift in my mood without much warning. It’s very subtle, but definitely uncomfortable. Right now I am in the middle of it as i write this. I want to add to my blog every couple of days, so I’m in the habit of writing a lot. And i decided to vent here and explain what I’m going through. Because, I think some of you can relate.

I just don’t feel good right now. A wave of sadness and agitation overcame me the last hour, and the only trigger i can think of is that i want a burrito from Taco Bell, but it’s the day before payday, and i am broke. I can’t afford a burrito. There is food here –
but nothing i particularly want.

Maybe the fact that I’m a month pregnant could be adding to this intense craving lol.

I also think having no money and being hungry reminds me of when i was a child – my mom would take my brother and i to get food at mcdonalds, taco bell, or burger king, she often complained harshly about how she never had a lot of money and had to spend so much on us, her kids .

She often paid for our food with coins she found under the seats in her car, or a couple dollars she got from a friend.

I felt like a huge burden.
Seeing how my need to eat every day disrupted her happiness.

Later I found out she’s very likely a sociopath so it all makes sense but these triggers haven’t magically disappeared. Even though its been over a year since we have spoken…and i hope we never do again. Not to sound harsh but you know what i mean if your childhood was like mine.

I don’t write about this to get anyone to pity me. Not at all. I only write for those who feel like they’re in a situation that not many can relate on.

My goal for this blog is to be a familiar voice to the reader, someone you feel like you’ve known your whole life…who just gets you. I don’t have many close friends, so writing and posting is one way i connect with the others on my frequency.

Writing is my therapy.

So yes I’m hungry, not starving. Maybe it’s more of an emotional void I’m trying to fill. It could be that I was already slipping into a negative mood and then one little thing just sent me into a downward spiral.

It’s odd how suddenly it hits you in moments like this because a couple hours ago i just told my husband that i haven’t felt overly emotional in the last couple days…


Why Do So Many Victims Of Abuse Become Abusers Themselves?

This can happen when a person identifies with the role of the Eternal Victim – they expect to keep repeating the same painful situations, no matter what; always ending up in the ‘wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people.’ They believe that their life is essentially cursed, unfair, or unworthy of anything different… or at least, many that I’ve known appear to operate from this viewpoint.

From what I’ve researched and observed, the False Self (Ego’s defense system) loves to attach to any role that justifies and attracts more pain. The internal belief system of a person can get hijacked by the Ego’s defenses.

This is how personality-disorders (such as NPD, BPD and Sociopathy) are created.

Those toxic, abusive people were once innocent victims who had no healthy coping skills to manage the pain or loneliness.

The trauma or neglect that they experienced was so intense, they split off from their True Self. In the beginning, when they split off and detached from who they truly were, it may have only lasted for a few days.

But, after repeated traumas or neglect, the separation of the True Self became permanent (or semi-permanent) -leaving them unable to regenerate their Life Force energy on their own, by connecting with the internal Source attached to the True Self.

So, they became Energy Vampires, creating unnecessary problems to emotionally bait and feed on their victim’s Life Source – in a destructive, forceful way.

This is a strategy of the parasitic, desperate False Self. It is not self-sustainable, so it must feed off of others, at a painful cost to the target.

Parents do it to their children, children to parents, teachers to students, bosses to their employees, many “troll” online, etc.

I speak from personal experience, as I used to be an Eternal Victim, Narcissist, and an Energy Vampire. It took hitting rock bottom over and over again (hundreds of times) until I finally took a good look within myself. And said… something isn’t right.

Though, I had no clue what was wrong, at first – until I learned about meditation (Self Awareness), and something finally clicked!

I was baffled that no one had ever taught me these coping skills in my whole life! All I had observed and copied from my family and friends was how to forcefully take others’ energy by creating drama – not regenerate my Life Force naturally!

Starting this new journey felt like a rebirth; a sense of coming Home.

“Now I’m definitely a weird, crazy person.” I joked.

After being told most of my life, by my parents, that something was really wrong with me (projecting their problems onto me that they didn’t want to own up to), I finally saw what was actually wrong… I didn’t love and accept myself.

A big step for a self-absorbed ego-driven person is to simply admit they have a problem. Few get help that they need, because owning up to their False Self’s inflated existence is terrifying at first.

It’s almost like the False Self becomes a living thing and fights against its own annihilation. Creepy!

I had built a thick shell to protect that part of me from experiencing reality. First, I had to face my inner demons and accept them (acceptance starves them of their “energetic nourishment” a.k.a. Resistance, Denial, Projection) just to meet my True Self – who greeted me with open arms of Unconditional Love. A “returning home” kind of feeling.

I still am dealing with old triggers, but it’s getting so much easier to get back on track, by being Aware of my reactions and discovering the root of the pain…Then, accepting it and healing.

When you Self Reflect instead of Project onto others, awesomeness is sure to follow. Guaranteed. 100%. It NEVER fails.

I have about 10 minute segments throughout the day where I check in with myself. In the busyness of the day, sometimes we need to just stop, and see how we are feeling.

What thoughts are bouncing around the mindscape?

Is there something bothering me that I haven’t healed or acknowledged yet?

If so, writing about it on paper is very helpful to get it out and away from you, so you can “see” the situation from a “higher perspective.” Also, talking to a trusted friend or partner can help.

Anyone can heal, but they have to decide that’s what they want. And, by beginning to heal, it takes recognizing where one has gone wrong… addictions, codependency, running from their Self, etc.

This is serious work, and it can get very uncomfortable. But, the reward is true inner joy and a whole array of emotions and feelings that are beautiful and sensational. I promise!

Some people never want to step foot outside of their comfort zone. That’s when a person becomes very closed-minded, stagnant, and trapped in misery – of their own making. Yet, they don’t know they have a choice.

When the victim becomes self-aware and empowered, everything changes. The cycle begins to break. Old, outdated patterns stop emerging.
An empowered victim evolves into an Awakened Human – able to learn from the past or present abuse, and move forward. The person is finally able to cultivate – from within – the love they never had. Shedding codependency. Attracting healthy relationships.

First, the victim has to realize that the abuse was not their fault, and this is hard to realize when the attacks were mostly psychological.

A major part of mental and emotional abuse is getting the target to believe they deserve the abuse, or that it never actually happened – that they are “inventing things up in their warped mind.” This is a severe form of abuse, even if there was no physical or sexual assault. It is the most covert.

I experienced this from several family members, and ex-partners, for most of my life until I became self aware, and educated on personality disorders/energy vampires.

If the victim never becomes self aware, they are likely to turn into the ones who abused them.

What You Don’t Know
Can Hurt You…


Dear Victim, Please Don’t Become The One Who Hurt You

Dear Victim,

What you went through was not your fault. It wasn’t even because of you personally. The one who abused, abandoned or neglected you…they didn’t do it because of anything wrong with you. They did it because they felt they had to project their insecurities onto someone – the unhealed parts of them that they are too scared to acknowledge.

You were innocent and didn’t expect to be treated that way by someone you trusted. It didn’t even cross your mind that someone was capable of such evil and cruel intentions.

But, please…. Do not become the one who hurt you.

I know it’s so tempting to say, “Screw it, I’m going to create a thick shell and be on the attack, so they never get to me without me getting to them first.”

This kind of mindset swallowed me for two decades. It stole any bit of inner peace and love I had. It slowly ate away at my self esteem until I was left feeling completely empty and isolated.

If this is where you find yourself going or are right now, I want to you to know that there is a way out of that hell. It might not seem like there’s any hope. You might not see the slightest rays of light at the end of this dark lonely tunnel … but dear one, there is an exit.

There’s no magic pill. But, there’s something better, longer lasting. It’s Self Awareness – connecting with your True Self.

The False Self doesn’t want you to move forward. It thrives on the fact that you’re unable to cope with your pain in a healthy way, and move on. For, if you stopped dwelling on how nothing will ever change, you might actually step out of the familiar nightmare that you’ve learned to call home.

The False Self cannot survive if you discover your Inner Healer, your True Self. It would be annihilated because it depends on you choosing an existence of constant pain, only relieved by an isolating emptiness, at times.

You do have a choice.

The Universe




Narcissists Bait You For An Emotional Reaction

Temporarily, the Narc may agree with you on a subject – gaining your trust and forming a false sense of understanding between the two of you.

Then, without warning they will change it all up, and bait you… usually when you least expect it.

By baiting you, I mean: they will say something that is meant to provoke a strong emotional reaction from you. And, when you react in the way they expected… angry, confused, etc… they use this as proof of your mental instability. Calling you crazy.

The bait will be a topic that matters very much to you. They’re experts at studying people’s weaknesses and will shoot straight for the heart.

You will be totally caught off guard, but try to just breathe, go for a walk, and if they’re blowing up your  phone or email…get away from your devices.

Remind yourself that your strong reaction is not because you’re crazy, or over-sensitive. It’s the fact that you’re a caring, empathic, loving person that they chose to target you.

Breathe. Ground yourself. Get centered. You were just attacked by a miserable, loveless person.

They want you to obsess over how unfair it is, or to engage them back and forth in a circular argument where nothing you say will EVER change their mind, because they are convinced they’re right no matter what.

There is no reason to explain your different viewpoint on anything to them. But, I know how hard it is to hold back from sending those texts or emails or calling them explaining the solid concrete evidence you have to defend your stance.

You may think… this right here, they can’t possibly deny this fact.

But, yes. They will continue to play dumb. If it means you proving them wrong. In the end they will just drain your time and energy – what they wanted all along. To get their Narcissistic Needs met.


The Narcissistic Energy Vampire may team up with and agree with you, for awhile. But, when their narcissistic supply is low, they will suddenly tell you that you’re being wrong, crazy and trying to create drama… When actually this is what THEY are doing. The Narc reveals all of their hidden intentions if you just listen to the bizarre  accusations they throw at you. Once you get past how damn immature and annoying this deflection tactic is, it can almost become quite comical, and most of all, revealing.